3 Daughters

Mar 3

They come home. They fly away and then they come home.

Travel and living away from your familiar world is a good thing. Part of your life is finding that environment that feeds you. You just don’t know until you live there. It may be where you grew up. It may not. You have to find your home because of all the places you go in your life, you go home the most.

Dec 18

The Christmas Picture. Every year we would take a photo of the girls and make a Christmas card. Just like everyone else. The girls grew to hate the process and complain bitterly about how they might look. I was a photographer and wanted to make an image worthy of my photographer ego. They would complain. The year their uncle died near the holidays, we had a hard time trying to get it together. Rita didn’t want to do a picture. I was determined to make an effort. I shot this photo one day knowing we would never use it on a card. It reflected the sentiment of that time, in a Diane Arbus sort of way.

Apr 3

When the children were young we made every effort to read to them. I have a reading disability, so it was hard for me as I read slower then I can talk aloud. It is a comprehension thing. No one has ever been able to explain it to me. I was always a good student when I was young but those tests that involved reading and answering questions were always a problem for me. My teachers would scold me saying I was goofing off but I really could not comprehend the text under the pressure of time. Consequently me reading to my girls sometimes involved making up the words as I went along. They would correct me as they had heard the text before with Rita having read them the story. I once bought them a Norwegian children’s book which I could fly through with my “heestey vardey” (made up) interpretation of Norwegian. I could put Evelyn in stitches every time I read her a story by singing the words out of key. “I can’t see the wind but I know it’s therrrrrrre. It rustles the leaves and ruffles your hairrrrr.” She would laugh hysterically. Reading to your child is truly quality time spent no matter how you do it. They learned to read before they were in kindergarten because we read to them so much.

One book I shall always remember was Miss Rumphius. It had a story line that taught a true lesson often forgotten by adults. As we get older we look back on our lives trying to find meaning in what we have done or accomplished. There are noble professions such as teaching and science where we can say we had a direct impact. We cured something or enlightened a child. If you work in an office each day moving the profitability of a corporation forward you might feel unfulfilled. This is where Miss Rumphius is a great story. In the book she leads a rich and full life but as she ages she realizes she is unfulfilled. She must accomplish something and she does. I won’t tell you what that is. You will have to read it to a child and learn the lesson yourself.

Feb 25

Movies/Anecdotes

The Oscars were last Sunday. For the first time in my memory, I missed the telecast but Evelyn set the DVR for me.

I have always been a movie fanatic. I am a huge Kurosowa and David Lean fan. When Lillian and Mary Clare were very young we would go to the movies a lot. Socializing as an adult in those times, people would be discussing current movies and I would chime in with a comment like, “has anyone seen The Land Before Time?”. People would stare at me like I was crazy. Then I would say, “I have kids”. They would nod.

One afternoon after watching “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” I noticed all the kids leaving their seats and coming up the aisles, kicking and doing ninja moves to their siblings and friends. When we got to the car, both Lillian and Mary Clare said, “that was the best movie I have ever seen!” We began a discussion of how to critique a movie. It’s easy to do when you have only seen 3 movies. I explained how you develop a sense of how movies affect you the more you see them. They were fascinated by this and always wanted to discuss movies after we had seen them.

The ratings were a puzzle to them. As they got older, “R” rated movies became a subject of discussion. Some of their friends had access to these movies but they were always forbidden to our daughters. Lillian once called us from a sleepover where the group was going to watch an “R” rated movie. She told us what the movie was (kind of a harmless one) but we said no. Did she want us to come and get her? No. She said she would just do something else. The next day she came home with that up-all-night sleepover condition. Something else was troubling her. By midday she started crying and confessed to watching the movie.

I tried to explain to them what adult subject matter was. You can’t explain it to a child and that is why it is inappropriate for them to see. I mean, how do explain a movie like “Silence of the Lambs”? When they were a little older we went to the video store and got “Stand By Me”. “R” rated. Hmmm. Maybe this could help them understand. We watched it. I knew they would like it because it had kids their age in it. When it was over I asked “why was that movie rated “R”. “Because of the swearing” they both said. “What else” I asked. They looked confused. “How about the kids body they were on the journey to go find” I asked. “Pretty scary stuff for some kids”. I think it worked.

We would always go to the drugstore or gas station before a movie and get candy to save a little money. I would always scare them about being kicked out if you got caught bringing something in to a movie. We would find elaborate ways of hiding it. After one such stop, as we went on to the theatre, the girls were reading their packages of candy in the back seat of my truck. Mary Clare asked, “Lil, what’s your favorite artificial flavor”? “Red” Lil said.

Feb 18

When I was growing up, boys were raised differently from girls. Men made a living, women took care of the home and children. My mother stressed to my sisters the importance of finding a successful man to “take good care of you”.

Being self-sufficient is the most important thing you can teach any child. Giving them the confidence to accomplish anything ahead of them without fear of failure is paramount. Failing at things means you are trying. Failing isn’t bad, not trying is and a maniacal drive to succeed at all costs will lead to unhappiness. The pursuit of any goal will have successes AND failures.

We raised our daughters to hopefully understand these principles. Never expect someone to take care of you. Learn to take care of yourself. Making a living from something you enjoy doing can be difficult to find but not impossible. I feel blessed and very proud when I see how my daughters have navigated the world.

I remember an instance when Lillian and Mary Clare were about 14 and 11. We had a foster child, Charlotte, staying with us. At dinner one night, she commented on how she couldn’t wait till she was 16, so she could have babies. Both Lillian and Mary Clare immediately told her “That’s crazy! You have to go to school and get a job before you can have a baby!” After explaining their comment to Charlotte, my wife and I just looked at each other and smiled.

Jan 5

There is a battle you must fight with your children about cleaning up. If you enforce it at an early age, perhaps it is easier to deal with. I chose to fight this battle when they were older and lost. I weighed the cost of therapy my constant harping would accrue on them. I gave up. The good thing about giving up is you can let go of all the heartache. The bad thing is you can never rejoin the battle.

Evelyn completely messed this room up in about 5 minutes. I had cleaned it and gotten my camera for a shot of her. When I was ready, this is what the room looked like. It’s cute when they are two.

Our house has shown the signs of raising 3 children. I accept it. The hard part is when you get near the end, with only one child still at home, you clean up and think, I have to tell her not to do this or that and you remember, oh that’s right, I have given up. The house suffers when you give up. Even when the ones who have left come home they resort to their old habits.

Communal space in the home has always been the sore spot. Bathrooms, kitchen and all the areas everyone uses need some respect. We have always left their rooms to them with only prodding and threats from time to time about how we will go in there and clean. Eventually this works but God knows, at least they are all immune from most communicable diseases.

Nov 24

OK. The paternal instinct to protect is a powerful thing. After Lillian was born, I started wearing seat belts. Wait. That’s protecting me.

The feeling of protecting your child is strong though. Ask any parent. You look at them sleeping and it almost hurts it’s so strong. Why is this? Big eyes. All baby things have big eyes. I saw this on a National Geographic Special. 95.5% of all baby things have big eyes so you won’t hurt them. It makes them cute. Even baby snakes are cute. It gives the little buggers a chance.

I took this picture of Lil when she was about 3. She has the big eyes. I brought the photo to a presentation given by Annie Leibovitz, a famous photographer, and asked her to sign it along with an old Clash poster she had shot for Rolling Stone. “I want to give them to my daughter when she gets older” I said. Annie signed the Clash poster, smiled and said, ” I remember this.” Then she looked at the photo of Lil and said “Who shot this?” “I did” I said. “Then you sign it-and take care of that kid.”

It’s the big eyes.

Nov 18

College. Yikes. ACT’s. SAT’s.

The mind is a sponge at 18.

All the things we want to know when we are older, we could have learned when we were younger. All the things we knew when we were younger, were right.

Oct 16

Dealing with Death

How do you raise children to deal with death. Mary Clare used to ask me all the time when she was little, “Poppa, what would happen if everyone was gone but me?” It was hard to understand what she meant and we would discuss it for awhile. I think she was grappling with death at an early age.

Yesterday Mary Jane, their grandmother, died. Lillian is in San Francisco and Mary Clare is in New York. Far from home. As the events unfolded over the past two weeks with Mary’s health fading, they were spinning out of control, not knowing what to do. It was hard for us. It is hard to be far from home. No one knew when Mary would die.

I remember death in my family as a child. The way everyone reacts around you has a huge impact.

Now the family is gathering. Many cousins, aunts and uncles. Friends. There will be much crying mixed with spontaneous laughter. At times it will be somber and respectful. At times it will be loud and raucous. Everyone will celebrate Mary’s rich and full life. Everyone will deal with loss and grief. The family will gather and deal with death.

Oct 13

Sometimes it is difficult to know how hard to push. Guiding your children requires you to help them be what they can be. The truth is, we become who we are.

Evelyn is a natural athlete. She was born with the ability to move with grace and control. A gift. When she showed an interest in sports, I became involved coaching and helping her develop her abilities. Her natural talent made her a standout. She played Little League with the boys. She was easily accepted and they were all her friends. Hockey, Basketball and anything she tried came easy to her.

As she got older and sports became more competitive, I noticed she lacked the desire to engage an opponent with any kind of aggression. She also did not feel the need to devote time and effort into getting better. It was as if she only enjoyed the playing and not the competition. Her coaches asked me to push her into working harder. They saw her potential. When I would try to talk with her about it, she would get upset. I pushed her as far as I dared.

In recognizing Evelyn’s personality, I see a person whom everyone likes. She has many friends, both boys and girls. I never hear her say anything bad about anyone. She has an uncanny confidence about her, without the normal insecurities most people face.

Sometimes it is difficult to know how hard to push. Guiding your children requires you to help them be what they can be. The truth is, we become who we are.